Hello hope this is still open im a 47 year old male who lives in the uk,i have been in an online relationship that started out as a friendship around 5 years ago with a South African woman who was married at the time after we had known each other a few months she became very distant for a while then one night she messaged me and told me her husband had passed quite suddenly and unexpectedly one family afternoon sat on the sofa with her and their two sons when he fell asleep and passed away,i spent many nights up talking over whatsapp just being thier for her not soon after her mother passed helped her through that best i could we have been very close since i care about her a lot and love her too bits she means the world to me and after a long relationship of many ups and downs im finally set to travel to South Africa to meet her for the first time.Not so long ago one of her sisters lost a long battle to cancer and she took charge of her sisters daughter,she has used her two sons and niece as an excuse not to have time for a sexual relationship and has told me as she will always have to put them first she doubts even in the future she will have time for a relationship of any kind.As i near the time of the trip she went very quiet for a while i thought it was something i had done but tonight we had a long chat she says she will be away from home a few months actually very close to where im staying that she is at her brother in laws place that is being built on and he needs someone there while at work,she says she will visit me as often as she can but not at night ive done little things for her and she says i spoil her though she feels she doesnt deserve it.She says she loves and cares abbout me but is scared cause she doesn;t want me expecting too much she doesnt mean to stay away but doesnt want to hurt me,she feels shes let me down.Says she can only offer her love in friendship and cant go beyond but says she doesnt have anyone in her life and was never looking for a partner but found me who gave her love and compasion and ive always been there for her.I told her ive been feeling like its me who let her down she replied ive given her love and always been there for her how can i ever let her down.She says she gets scared for keeping away that i mean so much to her and she cant bare to hurt me as she knows i want more.I mean if she is being honest her friendship is just as important just that kids as an excuse for no sex sounds odd and way she vanishes at nights not sure if she still holds a candle for her husband or if its something else feeling a little confused. If you were to stay and nothing changed. They have left our lives here on this earth, and we had met afterwards and are starting a new life together. That house is her power over him and you so long as he owns it. How would you feel? Resolve to be merry. When we first met he said he wanted to take things slowly but that he did want a committed relationship. My widower dated and married the woman he met from teenagehood. professing his love for me for a long time but the next time I visited his home And still shelly does nothing. Little things like that that compound the message over time that your dads grief cushion and nothing more. There is still long way to go . Its normal for pics of the late spouse to turn up on FB at the time of anniversaries and other milestones. Ill be 40 this year with 2 failed relationships, one of them being a marriage. My opinion still stands. Widowed people sometimes fall into the grief trap, thinking incorrectly that time or effort is going to make the death of the person they loved suck less. In my opinion, this would involve having honest conversations with both your boyfriend and you widower friend. Live your life. If that means a relationship where you are more into it than he is, and this is really okay with you, you certainly wouldnt be the only person who has ever done this. He is very loving and affectionate and has made me to come alive. I was the 3rd GF. "If the widow or widower sees an actual future with you, they should be able to define to some degree what that is, Keogh says. I have no advice on how to start such a conversation though because I never had this talk with my husband. The thing you always have to ask yourself and be honest when answering is if nothing changes or only changes a little or the change involves a LOT of work, will I be okay with that?. He treats me very well. Director: Patrice Leconte | Stars: Rebecca Hall, Alan Rickman, Richard Madden, Toby Murray. I have a little different situation as I am the widow-not the the man I am dating. The younger was a Narcissistic bitch, I now believe in the clinical sense of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Now thats a little of the back story, so here comes the question.Im not questioning if he loves me or not(at this point), but I am wondering if their is a process when it comes to a W dating or approaching a serious relationship again? I think another 6 months would be prudent and wise to spend enjoying each other, learning about each other, healing from our pasts, and deciding where we are going in our lives and if it will be together or individually. Is accepting this different love my conflict? He nursed her through cancer. Good luck. I just feel that he thinks there is a switch on my feelings which I can just turn on and off. You just need to see if he is somewhere on the same page and go from there. I am currently dating a recent widower and I am questioning whether I should end this now or hang in there. Men who behave like this as widowers probably have always been insensitive. As long as your boyfriend is not condoning rude behavior, things just need time. His weak father is enabling him. And Im happy to hear silly stories he tells me, and happy to see he is a very loving man. I am a former widow married to a former widower. I have been a widow for 6 1/2 years and he has been one for not even 2 yet, after we moved in together after dating for 4 months he realized he wasnt ready for a live in relationship. I feel like the receiving end of the journal you wrote Dating While Widowed: Erasing Your Past. But I dont see how you can avoid sitting your guy down soon and having a really honest conversation if a long term, out in the open relationship is what you want. While there, he met another of the skilled nursing residents: Julia. "The relationship never goes away, and that may be difficult for a potential partner to accept, says Lichtenberg, 61. Always maintained separate homes but theres no doubt in my mind he was/is serious about his post wife relationships even though they are different than the one he had with my aunt. Its not easy to let go of guilt where parenting solo is concerned and your guy can only do that for himself. Hes definitely still in the grieving process but it is more from the traumatic experience of the way he lost her. "One never gets over major life losses . A widow or a widower is a partner, and if you want a future with any partner, they must put you, and your relationship with them FIRST. She was his first serious relationship. He is 57 and i am 49.. We have had our ups and downs, i have quite the past ( party girl) he knows this, a girlfriend while she was dying. More joint presents. I have told him the fwb thing I am not comfortable with. Its really about what you want. But I do think if they are ready to move forward and have found someone who they want to start a new long term relationship they must focus on that. I live in Ohio and he lives in Florida and it kills me not being able to see him all the time. I said congratulations to the both of them. She has been gone 6 months now, and he seems more down than ever, when I am with him all is good, when I am back home, he is in such a depression. He isnt choosing that and you would like him to but cant figure out a way to help him, so let me say this again you cant help him. by Robin L. Flanigan, AARP, February 16, 2021. Today is two years that my widower list his wife. But her ashes were at the back of his wardrobe. But, whatever you decide, keep yourself forefront. I really need to stop driving myself crazy about this so I realize my option is to break it off the more self perseverance way or suck it up and wait! Hes proven himself in the past but I think his wife passing is really getting the best of him. she was going to take out a further mortgage for $60,000. And here lies the difference between a living love and its other. Dating after becoming a widow can lead people to ask several questions, such as How long should a widow wait to date? Can a widower fall in love again?, How can a widow get back into dating?. For some, the introduction of new love pushes them to put things away and realize that focus should be on the new partner. Bottom line though still comes back to you. Her older sister did the chores, and did her best to be a mom. Your feelings are hurt. He hs just posted to his wife happy 10th anniversary I love you and j miss you. Not long ago, I met a very lovely lady who enthusiastically shared her story of love lost and found again. I have not made an issue of it because we both will be moving to new home together and because of his children 2 young adult men and 1 young teenage daughter. Paulo Coelho, The Zahir, I thought following a straight road would lead me right to my destination. If saving your marriage is what you want, he has to want it too and you both have to come up with a plan together to make it happen. Do I feel more secure in the relationship? Ann, I have been dating a widower for just over 2 years we both have boys aged 12. Its more like an arrangement and one thats not taking you into consideration. Flat out she looked at me and said dave I want you to listen to the kids when the talk about their dad, realize things might come up from time to time but I dont want to be involved with that anymore, and support their relationship with the deceased parents. Do you think I have any hope with being with him for good? i had such a connection/chemistry with him that i just said ok but in the back of my mind i thought maybe he would want to down the road. Yours. When my husband died, I accepted the fact that I wouldgrow old alone. But if you want to move forward and think its time, its easy enough to ask him if he would like to discuss the future. Jane Fonda, 69, recently started a relationship with Lynden Gillis, 75, a retired management consultant, and wants to make a "sexy erotic movie about people over 70.". Because I really dont think I can handle getting my heart broken again. Good luck. "They will never forget her, and you shouldn't want them to, but that doesn't mean she has to be discussed daily or that her mementos and photos adorn every wall in the house," Annie says. Good luck to you. The answer lies within the behaviors and warning signs of widowhood dating. They are dysfunctional grieving and continue to grieve through the children. Or would you feel youve wasted time? Or are you engaging in the centuries old female pastime of reading between a mans lines like they were leaves at the bottom of a tea-cup? But you only have control over your actions and perhaps you need to ask yourself, if nothing has changed in six months or a year, would you be okay with that? Just six months after the death of her beloved husband, Jayne was already seeing a new man. He had told me during the date and that he was afraid to tell me because he felt it would scare me off that his wife had passed away. She had a laundry list of vanities: New bathroom, new kitchen, major landscaping, on and on. I would probably reply to myself in the similar way as you did. They dont make excuses or ask for patience. I just never dealt with this before. I had been concerned about his Facebook profile picture.