Hi Lady Jane, you may want that sure but selfish people arent prone to listening! You didnt tell me about the damage until I saw it one day and when I asked you about it, you told me that you were going to tell me about it after you fixed it. I wish you all peace and kindness in your lives. But with your advice in my mind, I already managed to stop discussions without threatening to leave him. I know that dyslexics can overcome their disability by sort of rewiring their brains, and can learn to read and write, but I understand that this is a difficult process that takes some time. You called our landlord while being mad at me and told them WE where not going to renew our lease without telling me. In hopes that others may see and be able to decide what is best for them. Choose your battles and decide what is important enough to speak about and wait until things are calm. He was agressive in subtile ways, ignoring me, humiliating me, always complaining about the things that were not good about me, telling me to put on other clothes if we went to freinds.. and so on. My counselor told me that he would understand if I stuck with the relationshipbut he needed me to know that even the strongest of women are affected on some level that they may not even realize and that many of his current older clients are suffering dire consequences of enduring this behavior long term. Are you familiar with co-dependence? I have not heard anyone talk about sex on this website. "I definitely attribute some of my anxiety to this. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. Narcissists can only play the game they do if the people around them allow themselves to be deceived by their lies. There is huge part of me that feels very used, as if we were just this family he created out of loneliness until something better came along, and now that he is on his way out, he has no concern at all for the pain that created for all of us. Like emotional teenagers, narcissists enjoy attention. I LOVE this article. I left him four months ago , but somehow I found myself in a state of sadness and heart brokenness I have never thought I can handle for such a long time . The more positive the connection between you = the more likely they will be to listen. Thanks Darlyn, Women, for instance, go back to their abuser an average of seven times, even if she was the one who initiated the termination. 2. Is the rapist a relative or stranger? I was wore out from defending myself, arguing and emotional abuse. He has different roles for different situations. This makes me feel degraded. He has drained it! Now I control my own bank account and will not be involved with him with regard to money in any way, shape, or form for as long as we both shall live. Another reveals the. It needs to flap its wings until blood flows to each vien in order to escape the cocoon. The kids are terrified of him due to the many dangerous situations he put them in (drIving drunk, putting an apple on their head and prentending to throw an apple at their heads, forgetting one of the kids when he would leave to go get more beer, exposing them to porn, girlfriends jewelry, etc., etc.). I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. Everything is subtle. I constantly remind myself of this. Do you have availability to a womens shelter or crisis hot line? I am better off without him. After lots of advice I have had to step back and watch as my boys grow and mature (2.5yrs so far). When you have someone who repeatedly lies to you, who frequently doesn't care about your feelings or how their actions hurt you, who cheats on youthis is where we have to come in and make them accountable because they're not going to do it on their own. And unfortunately, the source has no idea why it loses statusand thats why it hurts so damned much. I cant thank you enough for all you do. How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. I suggest, with respect, you get out of the way and let them learn their lessons. I just got served with a baseless lawsuit by him and now have to find a pro bono attorney as I have no money but with his slick attorney ways, he will someone win even though CPS has said he cant see the kids unsupervised but the courts are allowing him to file suit for custody?? No wonder that in his eyes I have been a perfect pushover. I have found out who I am, what I need to do for me and to protect my children. He started his job about 6 months ago, since then, he has changed the way things were previously done by pointing out to those in charge how things were un-safehe told me his co workers call him health and safety for a nick namehe doesnt realise how I soooo get the name they have given him and I am afraid he has said too much at work. I ignored all of his suggestions, found a fab clinic to provide all my treatments in, perfect location and great clients to gain Before that happened we split up after him not handling our discussion about his controlling ability. Did your partner admit to the lies you wrote about during the early days of your relationship, and then turn into the man who damaged your car and didnt mention it until after you found out? It is ridiculous to have to kiss his royal rear end cuz why? Work on attachment and boundaries (there are defined in The Love Safety net Workbook) before you think about forgiving and the new church sounds great just give it some time. Kevin, the reason people can go on with their lives hurting others is because most people let them. Everything is always my fault, and he never takes responsibility for hurtful actions. I know its not funny, but I know why the sales agent hung up. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. Ann (response 38) hit the nail on the head. His escaping from commitment, especially that we r far now made me obsessive and jealous. His behaviour towards me and the children became so bad he was forced to move out by court order. Only within the last couple of years did I start studying manipulation techniques for something unrelated. That might not sound like much to some people for us we were lucky to go 5 days without something happening. They bring their objective guidance, support and validation to your healing. I guess Id have to print your article and brand it into my head since the other way seems to want to come out of my mouth. I need to know how to respond or do I respond? I will continue to work with the information provided by Kim and Steve in hopes that I might heal and not attract another person with NPD in the future. He isnt a major narcissist but has both narcissistic and borderline tendencies and at times he is a nightmare to deal with. I can only make choices for my self. Obviously, it does nothing and never has. One new study showed that narcissists can significantly damage workplace team performance. The result- she flew into a narcissistic rage and fabricated false allegations against me. We had a one year long distance relationship after living together for two years and I didnt even get a phone call when we had a family bereavement. Medical people are not asking me ..are you under some kind of stress? But talk about a grieving process to realize that all that you thought was real love was not. Dear Kim Avery, I am so sorry for what you are going thru.. it breaks my heart! I have two kids by her.. Everything is my fault.. Idk if the meds are real or not.. She dont take responsibility, or account. Because for a Narcissist, marriage equals dollar signs. I would be hurt and he would be riding the clouds towards his glorious throne. Trust will start being built when your partner begins to see that you are capable of protecting your own interests and that you are not scared of doing what you need to do to stand up for yourself calmly and with deliberation without abandoning them or using emotional manipulation to try and get your way. We are certainly not about stroking his ego, but you need to be cool and calm to put a new plan into action. (We were married for seven years and have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now.) At the end of these emotionally exhausting talks, I end up talking to him as if he was 7 years old. We pretty much all do that but that just adds fuel to their fire and gives them more power.You are most likely a very special person and through your experiences will have developed qualities that some people may never have.To Kym and Steve, I propose a toast for being honest enough to share some very private and personal things so that others may be helped. From that second I met her I wanted her. Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. Reassuring him that I am not ending the relationship. My story is not so different from many documented here. ), unless some woman forces him to that isbut think I need to for myself. so doing, we are able to sustain the necessary leverage for healing, for enduring change. I have the same questions as TANYA and also wonder where to start, do i say I love you and forgive you and just start? He has been paying for his share of the utilities so that I give him credit for but everything else is pretty much up to me. I really dont know how much more I can take of this bad behavior. Id like to thank you for your work. I just wonder what percentage of the male population is like this? One thing I am puzzled about is how do these people keep their jobs with all of the chaos they can cause such as in the case with Catherine. i wish I could at least get him to discuss the fact that he is a Narc but Im willing ot stay help him through it. I have also read kims info and much more. Vindictive narcissists are known to have a hard time letting go of anger and resentment, and may hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago. Well I read almost everyones comments and I am glad I am not alone. Ok, comeback lines for the provocation mentioned before, Kim ideas are welcome: He (saying that doing a favour for one of his attractive female colleagues saved his day, sighing): X, what you are saying hurts me and it reminds of your affair and I instantly feel afraid that you will do this again. Especially the magic scissors and self-soothing are very powerful skills. I have no idea what goes on there and he has take. Sorry to rant. I worked with a woman who had NPD. In my case, the steps I implemented helped me face my co-dpendency and make strides to getting out of it fairly quickly. He always has an agenda.which is for himself onlyultimately to make himself feel good about himself. I am divorced from them, but one has since passed away. Furthermore, none of the three quotes you suggested would actually /work/. Refusing to challenge a narcissist's opinion helps you avoid the risk of being attacked. He mixes prescription meds and alcohol and is a walking time bomb. Whats sad.my 9 year old is already showing narcissistic tendencies. (2) Damaged my car I have been scared of him & Several times I have ran to my car, locking the doors to get away from him& when I refuse to leave safety of my car, he threatens to damage my car if I dont get out of it, which has resulted in: door Handel ripped off, entire windshield wiper broken off, Three big dents in my door, cracked windshield and him keying my car. When Matt has consequences, he uses the boys against me. Hi Shannon and welcome here and in my short ebooks I hope you find the help you need (-: Please, What does your comment is awaiting moderation mean? Ive been aware of his N personality for 10 years & actively working on me instead of trying to change him, for the past 3. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. he says I am paranoid and obsessisve and crazy and has no empathy for my feelings. When I started realizing it all , I was panicking , feeling trapped each passing moment . After his death i met a nother man, also with some npd behaviour. I felt sorry for her. Partners were not there to be scapgoats. Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. Maybe growing would be a better way to describe it rather than changing but the truth is that a person cannot start growing again until their false pride comes down. But how can I do it . You need firm boundaries that are real and you need a new repertoire of comeback lines that end non productive conversations before they even begin. Kim & Steve have a blog page titled Because I Love You-Im Learning To Say No. This can be extremely frustrating and took me a long time to learn how to deal with and I want to share what I have learned about dealing with this today. I have a good material life, although everything is his. It is very enlightening. Insane. Anyway the aderall med increased and over time he was prescribed a insanely large dose. But please be careful and have a look at the last chapter of Back From the Looking Glass before you do. Somehow, we r having a long distance relation now, that makes it even more difficult to manage. I thought we had a strong attachment but I found out last week that he has been having affairs with several different women. I was completely on my own and I was devistated. Now hes drinking more and loves to stay high. What (they) choose to believe is irrelevant. Reading your post and you said you love him, my heart went out to you because the love will still be there for him. Im here to look for tools, connect with people with common problems, AND offer my unique story as well. Trying to be honest? I could never imagine that the sweet kind generous woman I promised to love for the rest of my life, could be so deliberately hurtful, so callous and full of spite and disregard for my feelings. And you have a right to your own views and feelings. Never listens to a single word I say. because I cant change him BUT I can learn to love myself and stop depending on him to make me feel secure, loved and happy. I am thinking I want to ask him tonite if he has decided and if he starts all over to bypass and avoid answering, to tell him that its ok but that I have to make decisions and that I think it is better that we keep our finances completely seperate from now on and that he find his own place to live when he comes back home. In our last phone call (a phone call was a rare event) I confronted him with the bad behavior, some of which is aboveall I got for that was this text, which also said that my words have power over him and IM NOT RESPONSIBLE! So many of you sound as if youre writing about my husband. I would also suggest that you look at the research that is in about porn and how it affects mens health and well being. This is exactly why you need to step out of the way and let other professionals such as your doctor or the police deal with him. Unbelievable. Holding a person accountable for what they did in the past is a waste of time and should be forgotten. I give them the fuel, to take to others, to set me on fire. I have also tried Kims suggestion at not allowing my husband to put me down when he is trying to shut me up bc he cant handle hearing an opposing opinion or something that points out a negative or fault of hismy husband likes to tell me how to do certain mundane tasks like cleaning up after my new dog when she releases herself on our floor. She was the kindest most loving, giving person I had ever been with.. until she wasnt anymore. Absolute hell. While taking 60 days of total leave in a year and doing nothing. I couldnt believe what I heard coming from him. I lost my job (third timeIm in sales) and times have been rough the last 9 months or so. The worse thing is seeing how he uses older women who are lonely and they need the attention they have no idea why he is in there life but its for something he wants done and they can help him accomplish his wants. So, I think who am I hurting? They want to manipulate us and push and bully us into believing we do not have the right to stand up for ourselves . The sadness seems so deep, even though I know understand, Im not sure Ill every be whole. Im still trying to recover my self esteem. He has no remorse for anything he does or says; he has declared many many times that he is never sorry because he is never wrong he says what he feels and does whatever he wants with no regard to anyone elses feelings, ever. I feel guilty as hell for my behavior deteriorating also. She can do so much better and deserves so much better. I know he will never agree to have his check deposited into my account. When such small things happen occasionally in a relationship, they might be overlooked. He has not moved onto another relationship, though I suspect he uses porn as comfort. If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. Hi Kim, I have come across this Blog today, and I can relate to so, so much. That was my on feeling of insecurity. Kim, I havent yet bought your book Looking Glass. Aue, what to do when theres a little one involved? Holding him accountable for mistakes. It also focus the responsability, in oneself(mua). Then I will return to my friend and find a little bit more have changed since the last time and I pray alot too. My sister is a NPD. Hes so consumed in his own feelings he actually believes that I hurt him and he is suffering more than I could know, which gives him license to be mean(er). Thank you for all your supportive emails that inspire me and others. It has been a while since i wrote last. They sound like clear boundaries you can put in place while helping yourself(sorry if I have missed or misunderstood something in your previous comments). Thanks you! So..I learned alot because of this horrid person and a few others, and i will never repeat that kind of stupidity. I think the marriage is dead. ugh. I hope that you can turn this marriage around like you did your last! When I noticed them missing and asked you, you lied at first and then came to me later to tell me what you did. This may not be 100% true but you are not the expert are you? I dont want them to be the victim or the perpetrator. If a narcissist does something inappropriate and you put up the emotional stop sign or hold them accountable legally, they will get mad at YOU and claim that they are being "attacked.". Narcissists are excellent crazy makers!! I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? True, it is impossible without Gods help and others support! Literally, I thought it was me and I was being unreasonable. Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). My guy and I are apart a lot of the time but he still managed to be emotionally and mentally abusive to me after the honeymoon period of our relationship ended. Then, after he left, I was right out of my mind, and nasty, until I started getting some help. Hi Debbie Of course you should part if you feel that way! One day, I will be thinking or doing something other than engaging in the endless hours of preoccupation about another tumultuous display of rage and blame, when he comes to me and finally saysI now understand. You have an amazing insight and Gods wisdom! You must understand that Ive no family support to help me raise my 11 year old daughter and my family live in Oz, so this was a real blow to me Something snapped and I thought Right Im moving on. The emotional and verbal abuse though that I experience sometimes makes me wonder if I would rather he just go ahead and hit me and get it over with (I dont really feel like that Im having a bad day he just finished raging b/c I forgot the listerine)anyway I guess I to order love safety net. The childlike behavior I have described as an emotionally disturbed 5 year old, I know it sounds like I hate him. How do I get her to acknowledge my opinions? I think my father was also a narcissist, but has been tamed by his new wife who showers him with compliments. When I speak up he makes me out to be the crazy one! This is a good thought-provoking article, and the discussions following it are even more interesting. All the Best! I feel it is within my rights to decide that it might be better to live apart so he cant constantly rely on me to make sure there is food in the house and such. This can be a sudden outburst of anger or passive aggression. My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. Ive heared my whole life that she is so wonderful. I said that is impossible and he said are you sure you didnt forget the banking? He told me yesterday that he was changing phone carriers because the sales agent hung up the phone on him and he thought that was rude. They are give and give.